So I got given a turkey. It was very impressive, really, considering I’ve only ever cooked chickens and the considerably smaller quail. I looked at this giant poultry popsicle. How in the hell do I cook it?
Notice the skin tear…neglected bird.
So I decided it needed to be stuffed, because who knows what happens when it isn’t? I decided not to deviate from the norm here – I didn’t want the thing the collapse. Only now, with the bird stuffed full of my homemade stuffing (practically just bread and garlic), did I realise that I had no idea how long it needed to be cooked for. Surely only an hour or two, right?
Okay, so Google reccommends 3.5-4.0 hrs at 175 deg C for a bird 4-6 kg or until breast internal temperature is approximately 70 deg C, in which case the legs must be removed and cooked until internal temperature reads 80-85 deg C.
Fuck! Does anyone actually take notice of instructions like these?
I decided to ignore the confusing time constraints, but I inserted the thermometer just for the sake of appearances.
The turkey had not yet progressed to the oven before I seriously considered scotch. Just one would surely make the process a lot easier? No? Press on.
Okay, so turkey goes into the hot area. add some of this stuff:
(Where did that cranberry sauce come from? I certainly do not use the stuff from a jar!)
But it’s probably not a good idea to add any of this stuff:
‘This stuff’ happens to be sweet potato, rediscovered after a long period of time in the dark recesses of the pantry. Those things protruding from the potatoes can only be described as some sort of alien leg or motility agent. Possibly evolved flagella. Moving on.
Several hours and a pint of butter later…
Oh my god! It’s beginning to look a lot like turkey…
(And of course I cooked it upside down. Seriously – who does that?)
Handy Hints for Turkey Preparation:
Inivite the parents over so you can have them carve the bird and do things with the food you have spent hours preparing, but for some reason cannot care about now in the final moments.
And in the end, you know you’ve done well when the food makes your mama smile!
(Possible alternate source of smiling: she’s tanked on a whole bottle of white – love ya mum!)
Adrian.
